2 Key Insights for Making Long-Distance Love Work — By A Psychologist

Anyone in a long-distance relationship will tell you that maintaining love across the miles takes effort. Whether it’s sacrificing sleep for late-night calls, saving up for visits, or ensuring emotional warmth translates through screens, couples in long-distance relationships have to be intentional about keeping their bond strong....CONTINUE READING>>>

Beyond these conscious efforts, internal factors also significantly influence the relationship’s success. Ultimately, how partners understand and respond to each other shapes the strength of their connection, no matter the distance.

A recent study published in Personal Relationships explored these factors in both interracial and intraracial long-distance relationships. Here are two key insights the study highlights.

1. The Ability to Truly Understand Your Partner

The study introduces the concept of “Partner Reflective Functioning” (Partner RF), which refers to a person’s ability to interpret and understand their partner’s emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. This skill is crucial in maintaining emotional closeness, especially when physical presence and nonverbal communication are limited.

As the researchers explain, “Romantic partners do not have complete knowledge of one another’s histories. Thus, each member of the romantic dyad must use their knowledge of their romantic partner, and different sources of information to make educated guesses and inquiries about their partner’s mental state.”

How does this benefit long-distance couples?

• Understanding a partner’s mental state: Those with high partner RF can consider their partner’s emotions even when apart. Instead of assuming disinterest after a tense conversation, they might recognize their partner had a stressful day at work.
• Navigating miscommunication: Since long-distance relationships rely on texts and calls, misunderstandings are common. A partner with strong RF won’t immediately assume a late reply means disinterest but might consider time zone differences or work commitments.
• Enhancing emotional intimacy: Mentalizing—considering a partner’s inner world—deepens emotional connections. This is especially relevant for interracial couples who may have different cultural backgrounds. Engaging in partner RF fosters curiosity and understanding rather than assumptions.

The researchers highlight, “Individuals in interracial romantic relationships may have customs, beliefs or assumptions regarding relationships that do not align with their partner’s. Without a shared ethnoracial background to draw upon, it is especially important that they attempt to understand their perspective to avoid being insensitive, discriminatory or invalidating.”

They further explain, “For instance, a White partner may find it difficult to understand a Black partner’s mental states in response to minoritized experiences (e.g., discrimination, microaggressions) that they are not familiar with.” This demonstrates why Partner RF is particularly valuable in interracial long-distance relationships.

2. The Role of Attachment Style

Attachment styles, formed during early life experiences with caregivers, shape how individuals navigate romantic relationships—including long-distance ones. The study explores how different attachment styles impact the ability to understand and connect with a partner across distances.

The three primary attachment styles:

• Secure attachment: Those with a secure attachment style trust their relationships and feel comfortable with both closeness and independence. They can navigate time apart without excessive worry, focusing on meaningful communication rather than anxiety. Secure individuals also communicate their needs openly, strengthening the relationship.
• Anxious attachment: People with this style crave closeness but often fear abandonment. In a long-distance setup, they might overanalyze messages, seek frequent reassurance, and struggle with emotional regulation when their partner isn’t immediately available. This can lead to miscommunication and tension.
• Avoidant attachment: Avoidant individuals prioritize independence and may struggle with emotional intimacy. In long-distance relationships, they may limit communication or downplay emotions, potentially making their partner feel unimportant. This can create a disconnect, particularly if their partner has an anxious attachment style.

The study found that in interracial long-distance relationships, attachment anxiety and avoidance correlate with lower partner reflective functioning. Meanwhile, attachment security fosters a better understanding of a partner’s thoughts and behaviors.

The researchers note, “Partners high in attachment security may perceive differences within the relationship as a cue or invitation to lean in, ask more questions and become more curious about their partner.”

On the other hand:

• Highly anxious partners tend to focus on their fears of rejection, leading to misinterpretations and emotional distress.
• Highly avoidant partners may dismiss their partner’s emotions altogether, creating an emotional disconnect. In interracial long-distance relationships, where cultural differences can add complexity, strong communication skills are even more essential.

The study also suggests that text-based communication should be minimized when possible, as nonverbal cues are vital. “Specifically, communication that occurs without nonverbal cues, such as texting, may need to be reduced, whereas communication over the phone or video may allow individuals to use nonverbal cues to engage in higher levels of partner RF.”

The Takeaway

Sustaining a long-distance relationship requires emotional awareness, curiosity, and an ongoing effort to understand your partner’s inner world. Developing partner RF and a secure attachment style can help bridge both cultural and physical distances.

True emotional connection comes from self-awareness, personal healing, and the ability to extend empathy to your partner. By doing so, both partners can build a relationship that thrives despite the miles between them.